Category Archives: Healing

The Little Disk Goddess Dream

June 6, 2017

coin

I had an amazing dream experience last night that woke me up at 3:03 AM. The most unusual aspect of it is how clearly I remember so many of its details.

Venice

As for setting, I was in my typical dreamscape that involves my traveling (usually at night) through some town or city that I am supposed to be familiar with but within which I find it impossible to orient myself in the dream. As so often is the case, I ended up on some school campus—I think it was a college rather than a high school—as I was wandering around in the hallways and stairways of some institutional building. Usually I am searching for a way out of the building, but this time I was looking for the office of an old teacher of mine (not anyone in reality that I am aware of at the moment) in order to pick up an old paper I wrote or to pick up a paper for one of my children or simply to talk. I’m not exactly sure what I was in search of.

officeWhen I arrived at the teacher’s office (who kept shifting from female to male and back), he/she was already meeting with someone, so I was waiting outside. The office had glass walls allowing people to see inside from the halls. As I was waiting, another student came by and seemed in a rush to speak with the professor, so I let her go first, which lengthened my waiting time to an hour, allowing me time to meditate.

Once my turn came up, I sat down in a chair across from the professor’s desk. His/her office had moved without my being conscious of it (I only am now in retrospect) from its original spot completely internal to the building to one adjacent to it, now with a window to the outside. I underwent some kind of massive psychic experience, somewhat traumatizing and liberating simultaneously, and I slowly came back to consciousness with no memory of what I had just experienced other than that my skull seemed to be closing back into its normal configuration after having been opened like a cardboard box to whatever beings or forces had been rearranging the insides of my skull.

lionThe first thing I was conscious of was staring down into my open right palm and seeing that I was holding a little 1 cm-diameter disk, which clearly had been excavated from inside my head. I somehow knew that it had been lodged in my pineal gland and had been serving as a block to my visionary gateway. The disk looked like a small ceramic ancient coin with the impress of some ancient goddess’s head. Her head kept shifting from human to lion form as I stared at it. I somehow knew that the disk was Sumerian in origin but was since then associated with the Oracle at Delphi, and that the woman’s head was that of the Oracle, Astarte, Sekhmet, and Medusa all simultaneously.

sekhmetI knew that the disk had been blocking my visionary capacities and somehow was disorienting my Astral energies, causing emotional complexes of all kinds throughout my life. I now stood the chance of gaining some insight and stability in my emotional and visionary capacities.

Upon recognizing the face of the goddess on the disk in my palm, I said, “Well, THAT explains it.” The professor asked, “Explains what?” and I answered, “That’s the same face that I see in a vision three or four times a day.” The professor seemed moved or surprised by this and sat up, saying, “Well, then, our conversation is not ending but only just now beginning!”

Realizing that we would be entering into a deep therapeutic discussion and analysis, I texted my wife Anna that I would be a few hours later than expected and then readied myself for the healing conversation.

• • •

Awaking from the dream, I went downstairs, arranged my meditation cushions on the mat, and entered into a long conversation with Gabriel. Most of what I learned came by way of internal self-recognition, glimpses of deep self-truths that Gabriel only guided by little interjections and questions. The bulk of the understanding came from deep within my psyche as a process of recognition.

Throughout this meditative conversation with Gabriel I was still highly aware of the little Medusa Disk in my palm, even though I was now fully awake. (I can feel it there even at this moment as I type these words.) I slowly realized that the disk was not made of porcelain or marble as I had assumed but was, rather, a small disk of bone remaining from my son Dylan’s cremated ashes. As morbid as this might sound, I found (and still find) great comfort in sensing the liberating potential of my son’s bone disks, liberated in my palm just as I had seen them when I released his ashes into Massachusetts Bay just off the northern coast of Provincetown. Here was and is my own bit of sacred scrimshaw from a source that could not be more personal unless it were from my own skeleton.

I initially thought that the blocking function of the disk, having been lodged in my pineal gland, had been serving some malicious function. I knew that the goddess associated with it had been regulating my consciousness and my emotional state for much of my life. But Gabriel assured me that her role was more as a guiding and protective source of moderation rather than some malicious blocking of awareness. Now I hear that the disk’s function was more like training-wheels on a bicycle than like a chain on the wheels themselves. It served as a capacitor of sorts, helping to channel the intensity of the electro-magnetic discharges from my inner visionary chamber.

In a nice moment of synchronicity, when I went to the university library later this morning to see what book had come in for me through inter-library loan, I was pleased to see that it was Jung and Tarot: An Archetypal Journey by Sallie Nichols. I opened the book randomly to page 81, a page right in the middle of the chapter devoted to exploring the archetypal significance of the Popess or High Priestess card. “There she sat as she had done for centuries, immobile and serene, knowing whatever she knew and apparently secure in that wisdom.” On the previous page I then read, “The creative act of memory is the special province of the feminine principle. It is always colored by emotion.” The visionary aspect of the Third Eye blended with the serene control of the Astral energies.

I understand this (I FEEL this) as a moment of liberation from my own self-boundaries (to be followed by others, I’m sure) into an expanded mode of consciousness and psychic capability. Interestingly, this awareness does not produce some gleeful ecstatic state but rather a sense of calm self-control. It all feels so “normal” and so much like the real me—my actual goddess state—that I am calmly self-assured and stable for probably the first time in this life. Now I recognize that this Delphic Oracle and I have much freer access to one another—at last.

delphi

Jacob-Becoming-Israel and the Divine Syzygy: An Inner Manifestation

March 2, 2016

wrestling

One of the most profound spiritual experiences I have had took place on Monday, February 29, 2016 as I drove from Athens, Ohio to Topeka, Kansas to see my daughter Tori. As I was driving on I-70 in eastern Indiana I was moved to speak with Samuel, my High Self. Samuel instructed me to begin a conversation with Jacob, my Male Self, so I did.

I don’t remember much now from the early parts of this communication, but at a crucial moment my Female Self, Esther, began speaking. The surprising thing was that she was speaking in English, which she almost never does. She usually uses her ancient language that I speak so frequently now. Esther began addressing Jacob by announcing that the time had come for him to accept his true inner nature, which meant accepting his transformation from Jacob to Israel. She then began chanting in a wonderful sing-song way, “You are Israel—accept your true nature! You are Israel—accept your true nature!”

syzygy

Initially Jacob was both flattered and a little disturbed to be called on for such a transformation. He has known for some time now that his moment was coming soon, but he had never imagined that it would take this form of accepting a new identity, and especially not the identity of Israel. Given his strong condemnation of the colonizing behaviors of the state of Israel and the earlier American manifestations of such Biblical imperialism, not to mention the brutal relations between the early nation and its neighbors in the Bible,  Jacob was not predisposed to take on such an identity.

But the remarkable thing was how beautiful the new identity felt, not just to Jacob but to all of my inner selves and to me as a total personality. Jacob, in utter ecstasy, began chanting, “I am Israel! I am a child of God! O am Israel! I am a child of God!” This ecstatic acceptance of this newly-revealed identity filled my entire being with warm light. I believe that I was actually glowing as I soared across the highway of Indiana, deeper into the magical plains of the Mississippi Valley.

Esther and Israel joined together in a new ecstatic union, which increased the ecstatic glowing and the musical round of heavenly song. I could hear angels singing all around me as I was filled with pure joy.

32HermaphroditeMercury

In response to my lingering questions about the brutal nature of the nation of Israel in ancient and in modern days, I was told that the true meaning of the Biblical Israel’s transformation from Jacob had been the marriage between humanity and the Planetary Being. The “Land of Israel” did not refer simply to the place commonly referred to as the Holy Land but to the planet as a whole. Israel was being instructed in his role as avatar for humanity in this newfound sense of being at home, this new atonement between humankind and the Earth. This was never meant as a covenant between a single tribe on a single plot of land but as a unification of the human with Gaia. My recognition of this human-planetary unity filled me with even more ecstatic energy.

star-sun

I was then urged to remember the moment in the movie version of The Da Vinci Code when the main character revealed the meaning behind the two triangles that make up the Star of David, the downward-pointing triangle representing the female womb and the upward-pointing one representing the male phallus, with the unity of the two signifying the divine unity of the Female and Male Principles. My new experience of the unity of Esther and Israel represents just such a cosmic unity of male and female within myself, a unity that promises great changes in my social being. In fact, this newfound unity within myself as symbolized by the united triangles of the Star of David revealed yet another transformative element for me: the “Star of David,” a universal symbol that pre-existed its association with the Jews of Israel for thousands of years, was originally known as the Star of Gabriel as well as many other names. This, then, is my star, my sacred image that is to guide my mediations for some time to come.

The oddest part of all of this is how much sense it all makes and how healed and transformed I feel as a result. I am truly blessed to receive this new understanding and to be grounded in this unity of humanity and Gaia as a divine syzygy.

Angel of Self Healing

November 7, 2015Healing Angel

Last night I woke up at around 3 a.m. (no surprise there!) and realized that for the first time in at least three weeks I was moving my left knee, now doing so while sleeping. My first reaction was panic—“Oh no, I’m gonna really hurt my knee by moving it like this!” But I realized very quickly that I was in fact being led through an important lesson in Self Healing.

On Sunday, October 18, I believe it was, I twisted my knee while gathering firewood with my wife, Anna, and her mother, Irma. I was tossing a cut log down a hillside when I lost my footing. I quickly dug my left heel into the dirt and leaves, but my wildly spinning body kept spinning wildly towards the left leg, wrenching my knee out of place. I didn’t feel much pain immediately, but I could tell I had injured it pretty seriously. Even so, given the macho dude that I can sometimes be—when I’m not sitting in bed reading books for work—I continued throwing the rest of the logs with Anna and Irma down the hillside and retrieving the ones that had rolled into our sacred creek.

So needless to say, I paid a visit to Urgent Care the next morning, got a diagnosis of a sprain and a knee sleeve to try to hold it in place, and continued working all week on crutches while waiting for my Friday appointment with the orthopedic doctor. By Friday my knee hurt even more, my doctor was not pleased with my situation, and so after several X-rays, an MRI, a CAT scan, and several other exams, the doctors determined that I had pretty serious tears in my meniscus cartilage. So I then went into surgery on Thursday, October 29.

As others who have experienced such surgeries had predicted, my healing has been slow and relatively painful. I slowly grew more depressed as the two weeks after surgery passed and I saw no real healing at all. “Damn, when is this gonna happen?! I want to go for hikes right now! What if I never get better? What if this means the rest of my body will start deteriorating now that I’m a year and a half from turning 60? What if I don’t get to climb Wheeler Peak in New Mexico on my 60th birthday as I’ve planned since I was about 25? What if I never heal?! Waaah!”

I think those who know me will attest to the fact that I rarely sink into self-pity like this. So by now I was getting depressed simply because I was getting depressed. “What’s wrong with me? I’m tougher than this! I’m a damn meditating expert, for Christ’s sake! I’m bigger than pain and self-doubt and despair!” And given that our car radiator had blown out the night before and we now had no car for a few days at least, I was beginning to slip into despair and self-pity. Deeply. (Another stroke of luck, by the way, was the offer from my friend and boss to borrow her car until ours is ready.)

And yet at 3-something a.m. I awoke to find myself slowly but decidedly rotating my legs from front to back—I was lying on my right side, with my hurt left leg on a pillow that was on top of my right leg. I found that I was slowly rubbing the bottom of each foot with the toes of the other foot, again in what seemed to be a very deliberate and purposeful motion. So pretty quickly the seemingly-deliberate nature of this motion made me stop panicking and to pay attention to what I had started doing in my sleep.

As soon as my panic ended, I realized that this motion was in fact very deliberate and very comforting, not threatening further harm at all. As soon as I recognized this, I realized that I was being led through this exercise by some entity hovering over our bed. I asked who it was, but knew even beforehand that it was Shamuel, my Higher Self (what popularly would be known as my Guardian Angel or, less popularly, my Daimon). Shamuel, a Solar Angel (as all Higher Selves helping humans are), continued speaking his instructions to me, but it was only at this point that I realized I had been hearing his instructions all along, even in my sleep.

Probably the most important instruction was one he kept repeating in a very soothing and reassuring tone: “Relax. Acknowledge that you’ve got the power to heal yourself whenever you need to. But you have to accept this in order for it to work. So relax and ease into this process. Feel the warm, soothing energy that is flowing through your legs from toes to hips and back down. This is a very healing energy that you can call on at any time you need.” energy flower

So I relaxed into the exercise, let myself sink into consciousness of the soothing, water-like flow of the energy, and let myself slowly let go of my previous despair, doubt, and depression and flow into a beautiful state of easy, releasing glow. Almost immediately I realized that my left leg felt immeasurably better than it had during the days before. For the first time in weeks I felt not only that I was actually healing, but doing so rapidly.

I asked Shamuel about the significance of some things. One was about the bicycle-riding-like movement of my legs. His answer was manifold. One point was that I was synching the energy of my “good” leg and my “bad” or my “healthy” and “hurt.” As each leg slowly rotated, my left leg grew in strength simply by identifying with the cycling motion of the right leg.

A second point involved the rubbing of the bottoms of my feet with my toes. Shamuel’s answer was that this motion was methodically and regularly stimulating the hundreds of acupressure points in my feet and, by extension, the energy points throughout my body, providing a total-body state of equilibrium. The cycling and the rubbing together sent waves of healing energy throughout my body, importantly beginning with my toes and the bottoms of my feet and traveling up through my legs. In this way, my hurt leg became the conveyor of healing energy for the rest of my body and not just for itself. It became the vehicle of healing extension and thus acted in a unifying way towards healing of myself and, ultimately, the entire cosmos. I was told that this “instruction” was not simply for me but for me to pass on to others as my own contribution to the awakening of self-healing consciousness in all humanity and beyond.

foot chart

Throughout the exercise, each time I felt a bit of pain in my leg or my hip (which has been stressed as a result of the stress to my leg) I was urged to send my consciousness to the points of pain and discomfort. Through such focus I was then to identify with the pain, make it my own, allow it to express itself fully, and then let it simply melt into the warm fluid flow of healing energy throughout my body until it disappeared like sugar in a full bathtub. Then still with the bathtub vision in mind, I was told to simply let my entire body float and melt into the warm water flow of healing energy.

The results of all of this were stunning. I awoke with the same warm glow flowing throughout my body. And miraculously I could bend my left leg at the knee up to about a 70º angle with no pain at all. I found that I could take four or five steps at a time before needing to brace myself again with my crutches. And most miraculous of all was that for the first time in weeks I was able with assistance from my crutches to climb up to the top of our upper meadow. The late afternoon sun felt so gorgeous on my face, and the landscape was simply electric! What a breakthrough day.

The key is that this particular healing regime is a simple aspect of being human. We all have these capabilities and simply need to awaken them, as various people have done throughout human existence. But given that medical care has in our culture become the provenance of specialists, hospitals, and pharmaceutical corporations, we have been led to forget our own self-healing capacities.

It is now time to wake up to our own powers within.

I thank the divine powers of the universe for this wonderful and sacred experience.

Peace, Love, and Healing,

Gabriel (with help from Shamuel)